Hello Blog, it's been some time since I last used you, but it's good to see that you're still there for me.
A subject really close to my heart is the perceptions, attitudes and discrimination over mental illness. All of us who suffer face a battle every day, and these are powerful demons we battle with. They don't have a physical form, you can't punch them in the face, and they keep going. They don't get tired, they don't accept defeat, and they never go away. All you can do is keep on battling.
Let's get down to detail.
Firstly, I know that there are many, many people who have things a damn sight worse than me, but the answer to that is that everyone has their own reality and their own levels of "normality". However others perceive these details of my life and my issues, it will not make one jot of difference to be honest. If others read this and think "what the hell has he got to worry about", then fine, but once you've had that opinion and expressed it, I will still wake up the next day to a new battle, and the demon will be ready to pounce on any weakness.
I have suffered from depression on and off since 1994. It's an illness that never goes away. Sure, you can go through spells where you have it more or less in control, and the medication helps, but that brings its own problems. It's not just the side effects that a lot of these drugs have, but the demons have a field day...........
"Look at you, you can't even bloody function without popping pills, you're pathetic!"
Remember when Stan Collymore said he was suffering from depression? The media and his then manager, John Gregory, rounded on him. "What has he got to be depressed about?" they said. He was derided and ridiculed all over the place, it was painful, cruel and distinctly unhelpful. "He's on mega bucks, gorgeous girlfriend, showbiz lifestyle...how can he possibly be depressed?"
EASY!! It's an illness, it's not just being a little sad, or down in the dumps. You can't just "snap out of it!", you can't just "Get over it", you can't just "Cheer up!". You can't just smile and be cured, but you can (and very often do) hide behind a laugh or a joke.
A smile keeps the questions, and therefore the self analysis, at bay. A laugh makes you feel "normal", it makes you feel part of wider society.
The thing with depression is that it isn't just depression, it leads to so many other things. It completely debases your self-esteem and leaves you doing things that will make you feel worse, because you feel that is exactly what you deserve. Here's an insight to what depression can do, and how it can manifest itself as a totally separate but equally destructive behavioural trait.
I'm overweight, I've dieted before and lost weight before. I've lost at least 4 stones on 3 separate occasions in my life. I did this for the obvious health benefits, but it brings its own perils. When you're losing weight, you get praised, you get people telling you how good you're looking and how well you're doing. It feels great! I mean, who wouldn't like that? The demon doesn't like it, and it'll attempt to derail you......"I don't know why you bother, you'll only fuck it up again, you always do. Go on, enjoy your day in the sun, it won't last, and I'll be right here waiting for you as always when you realise you're a fraud....you'll be back"
Then, you reach your goal, the praise doesn't stop, but people stop noticing. Because people stop noticing, you start internalising and the demon sees its chance......
"You may as well eat, it'll make you feel better, just tell yourself it's comfort food, that it's only the one pizza, it won't hurt....go on, you know I'm right"
And so it begins. You get weighed the week after and you've put a couple of pounds on.....but it's only a couple of pounds, right? Well, yeah it is...as far as the scales are concerned. But no one notices, no one says anything, even when you're piling the pounds back on, no one says anything. Why would they? Who would raise that subject with you? And even if they did, you know how you'd react, right? Either way it's a path to disaster.
If someone says something, you take it as criticism, you get defensive, you reach for the biscuits or the speed dial....."See, they think you're a failure, go on and prove them right, stuff your face with any shite you can get hold of......get the 16 inch pizza, you know you can eat it....don't stop at 2 biscuits, you've got the whole packet to get through! Come on, eat it all!!!"
Before you know it, it's all gone back on, and a few extra pounds for good measure.
This cycle goes on and on. Whichever way you go, and whatever action you take, it's the battle against those inner demons that never, ever stops. And that is what needs the attention and the support from others. Sadly though, it doesn't stop there.
As a result of being overweight for so long I've ended up with diabetes. I had many meetings with the medical profession where i was warned about being overweight, I was told I would end up with diabetes....."See!! Told you, you deserve this, you deserve to be ill, you can't do anything right, so go ahead, get ill. I knew I was right about you"
I do things to deliberately sabotage my health. It's a form of self harm. I might not be taking a razor to my arms, or plying myself with drugs, but I'm harming myself all the same. It's manifested itself as a food addiction, and it's a bastard to handle!
This more than just reaching for the chocolate and saying "it's my food addiction" as a defence. This is real physical and mental war zone. For example, I will have my breakfast at 9am, and I'll be "satisfied" in the physical sense of the word. Yet, when the sandwich trolley is due at work, I will get actual real hunger pains and my stomach will actually rumble. Why? Because my mind is set to eat at that time, and the power of the mind trumps the physical every single time.
This week, my son bought two bars of white chocolate to make a mousse, and it was hell! I knew the chocolate was sat there, and the feeling i got in my mouth was indescribable. I salivated, and tensed, knowing that the path to self harm was right there....I mean, what better weapon for self harm is there but chocolate, right? (actually that's not true, diabetics can eat sweet stuff). But I didn't have the chocolate, so battle won, right? Wrong...read on....
That night, after everyone had gone to bed, i mixed some I Can't Believe It's Not Butter with some sugar, and made a rudimentary form of buttercream....and I sat and ate it, fighting back the tears as I did. It wasn't nice, I didn't need it....the demons had won the battle.
I struck back the following day by confessing to my wife and kids, and I've never felt more vulnerable in my life.
They have, however, won many times in the past.........
When I've had nothing in the house to binge on so made cake mix and ate it.
When I've gone to the shops for bread or milk, and bought a bar of chocolate and ate it before I got home.
When I've dropped my kids off at home on a Sunday, and many times have stopped at Sainsbury's and bought a big bag of onion rings, and a big bag of maltesers and ate them before I got home. If i hadn't finished them in time, I would drive a bit more until I had.
On top of diabetes, I'm on tablets for blood pressure, I'm on a statin, I'm on tablets for anxiety, and I've recently found out I've got angina too. My demons are loving this! They are saying I'm finally getting what I deserve. They won't be happy until something irreversible happens, and now it has. You can mitigate things, but you can never rid yourself of diabetes or angina etc. You have them for life, it's just a case of how you handle it.
So what do you do? You fight, and believe me I'm fighting! But the demons are still there, and they're still very real to me.
Whether it's depression, or food addiction, or alcohol addiction or anything else, the mental illness is much more difficult to overcome than anyone can ever know until they have been there themselves.
Before you dismiss food addiction as a fallacy, consider that it is a mental illness with physical manifestation.
Consider that every time I walk past the biscuits that are on the cabinets at work that this is a victory to me.
Consider that every time I remain seated when "Trolley!" is shouted at work, that this is a victory to me.
Consider that every time I walk past Greggs instead of going in, that this is a victory to me.
Just like an alcoholic who is battling to stay dry, or an ex smoker who is battling to stay smoke free, "just the one" can do an awful lot of damage.
The alcoholic or the smoker may only have one drink or one cigarette, but it will be one hell of a battle to keep it at just the one. The mental minefield they will go through is not a place you would wish on anyone.
Similarly with the likes of me, "just the one" can have the same effect. It pushes down the defence and makes it easier for the demons to see that chink in your armour.
The battles are mental ones, the effects are physical. They're very real and they happen every day in people who you probably have no idea are struggling.
Don't dismiss mental illness. It's hell to cope with and is always, always with us.
This is just my side of things. Other people will have different battles, but depression and it's resulting complications are mine, and they hurt like hell.
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