Hi there
This time last Sunday, I sat down and wrote my blog about depression, attitudes towards it, food addiction etc.
To say I've been overwhelmed by the response would be a vast understatement. At the time of writing, it's received 428 views. I honestly never expected that. But back to Sunday night first.
I was at a really low ebb, and wrote the blog from the heart. It may not have been well structured or flowing, but it was emotion down on paper.
I posted it, and started to shake. I'd laid myself wide open. For someone who is used to building walls and keeping people away, that was a huge effort, and took a lot out of me. The first person to contact me was my oldest friend, Ruth. Her heartfelt and caring message made me feel like at least one person was listening. Ruth has always supported me, and me her. It should have been a brilliant booster, and for a while it was.
So I went to bed and slept like a baby, right? Wrong! The demons were in my ear all night....
"Oh you've done it now!! Who's gonna want to read that?? Self-pitying drivel, you have no idea what you've done. Yeah, Ruth was nice to you, but she is always nice to you. The only ones who are gonna read it are a few Facebook friends, and they are gonna see you for the feeble idiot that you are. Well, we'll be here waiting for you, pizza and chocolate at the ready....."
I don't think I got much more than 2 hours sleep that night. I was an emotional wreck on Monday, and had to face a meeting with my manager. The frustration and emotional turmoil of the position I'd put myself in was coming out. I was as angry as I'd been for ages. The battle inside my head was raging and I have no idea what happened most of that day. I didn't eat a lot, but that was down to feeling sick, and nothing to do with willpower.
Then I got a phonecall. BBC Tees wanted to interview me live on air about my blog. I agreed to go in on Tuesday, then started shitting myself! I've been on the radio loads of times, but this was different, I would be talking about myself and my own fight for relative sanity. What the hell had I said yes to!!
"You are a total dick!!! You're gonna go on air and tell thousands of listeners about your 'loserville' mentality??? For crying out loud, you couldn't even admit to yourself yesterday!! You're gonna lose it on air, and show everyone what a failure you are"
Then I checked Facebook, and saw the messages, and the comments about my blog, and the retweets. And that, I firmly believe was the turning point, or at least a point where I started to feel like I was no longer alone, and the battle with the demons had at least become a fairer fight.
The support has been wonderful, and I feel very lucky all of a sudden. I got messages from all over the country, including from Natalie in Bognor Regis, a friend who put me onto a Facebook support group called HOOP (Helping Overcome Obesity Problems), and the people on there have been a big help already.
So, Tuesday morning came along and I went along to Broadcasting House in Middlesbrough. I was taken up to the waiting area, then taken into the studio to meet the presenter. A lovely man, who made me feel at ease. I also knew that interviews are invariably challenging, with presenters often asking uncomfortable questions. However, I was ready, I mean all I had to do was talk about myself....how hard can it be? Oh wow.......
The interview went well. I made it available via a link on my Facebook page and I know a lot of people listened in to it. Once again the support and feedback was universally positive, although I was shaking like a leaf when I came out of the studio. I think it was one of the hardest, most emotionally challenging things I have ever done.
I kept myself busy the rest of the day. I set up my charity page for my sponsored slim (shameless plug coming up) -
http://www.justgiving.com/Graham-Allport/
If you go on there and read the "my story" section, it tells you why I chose Leukaemia and Lymphoma Research.
I am determined to lose weight, not so much for the weight loss, but because I don't want my kids growing up without a dad. I've seen the heartbreak it causes, I've also seen the emotional scars in my friends who lost parents when they were young. I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to my kids....at least not before first showing them how hard I'm prepared to fight! And since I'm doing it, I thought I would raise money for this particular worthwhile cause.
The physical health benefits will be worth it, but the psychological battle is the harder one. By surrounding myself with friends to support me, and a cause to keep me focused, I believe I have given myself the best possible opportunity to keep the demons at bay.
I am starting to feel like I've got an army now, and the collective strength is something I can draw upon at my hours of need.....like one night when the demons came raging back.......
"Hmmmm remember us? Did you think we'd gone away? We were just waiting for you to finish riding the wave and come crashing down....and we're right here as promised. It's late, you're alone, none of your friends are about....eat...eat...eat....EAT....EAT!!!! Go on, go into the kitchen, have toast, have porridge, just eat sugar...anything.....FEED US!!!"
It was overwhelming, almost....I mentioned HOOP earlier, and I put them to the test early on in our relationship. I posted about my struggle to stay away from food, how the calling was loud, and I'd only eaten two hours earlier, I couldn't possibly be hungry....but I was dying to eat!
Wow!!! The support I received...the instanteous back up from the new army around me...it was immense, mind blowing. I did eat though, I had an apple and a glass of water. That, for me, was a massive victory, an enormous step towards some semblance of freedom from the demons. They were knocked backwards again. Yes, I needed help, but the key factor here is that I reached out for it, rather than caving in....I took the difficult route and not the quick fix.
Since then, I've been feeling brilliant. I've taken a step to reduce my anti depressants and stop taking my anxiety tablets (obviously after talking to the doctor first...I'm not that stupid) and I am beginning to feel alive again.
I know the battle isn't won, it'll never be won, but I have taken giant strides towards taking control of things again and it feels fantastic. It's weigh in day tomorrow, and I don't feel scared. I know I've eaten healthy stuff this week, I've not pigged out, I've not eaten in secret. I've even had two nights where I've had 2 biscuits (counted the calories in them) and the rest of the packet is still there, and it's not driving me crazy!
Going public about all this was really scary, terrifying in fact. But it was a necessary one if I was to break the cycle of despair, depression and self loathing.
I am going to keep blogging and keep taking away that weapon of isolation.
For anyone battling with demons, or whatever you want to call them, please reach out and let people help you. The demons are like any bully, they feed on isolation....so don't be isolated.
There is help out there, you just need to reach for it.
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